| Written by first time scribe Corey
Mandell and helmed by Roger Christian, set director for Star Wars (1977), this
flick is embarrassing. It is a good bit more watchable than Viva Rock Vegas
however, if less sophisticated.
But some credit for Rock
Vegas, it is at least demonstrably for kids. BE is presumably for grups.
(That's grown-ups, for you trekkie deficient ones.)
Travolta, the Scientology-touting angel-playing
face-offed villain we all love is over the top here. Over the top, out of the
space, inna you face.
Standing eight or nine feet
tall, he swaggers around lifting people in darth-grips, smarmily getting
leverage over the weaker and less offensive, and sublimating sublimating
sublimating. Or whatever it is aliens do.
You could spend all day wondering about why they
made this, who wrote it, why it is so lame, and so juvenile, but it won't make
you like it or hate it any more than you do. It is not about quality, it is
about two hours.
It is like this is all the missing sci-fi stuff
from Dune, wrapped in a Zero's style techno cynicism. (Zero's is for the two
zeros on 2000 - can't say nineties no mo.)
Oh yeah, and lest we ever forget, the big big big
big big villain here, even bigger than Travolta is Corporate Greed. This
intangible is very popular today, and apparently is the only thing standing
between noble and virtuous youth and SOCIAL JUSTICE.
And imagine a soundtrack so
deafening it is painful, and you have to ask the management TWICE to turn it
I suppose the closest thing to
this film is: Imagine an amalgam only of Planet of the Apes and Battlestar
Now get that image out
of your head.
Know in Denver:
1. Ape man learn to fly
2. Even though aliens took over so long ago
people can't remember them, there is still a squadron of flyable harriers at
the air base. And the base has power.
3. For some reason these were not
used/destroyed in the war against the aliens. No explanation.
4. There was no worldwide blanket of
radiation form fighting the aliens - were no nukes used?
5. A nuke is used to settle the hash of the
aliens. (I thought nukes were supposed to be BAD things...)
6. Fort Knox is untouched. Would not the
aliens scarf up our goods first and then scour the land?
7. Radiation ignites a planet's atmosphere,
then the whole thing blows to tiny bits. Cool enough, but every planet is
bombarded on a daily basis with high intensity radiation from space -
naturally. I'd think the planet could not have evolved to that fragile
8. Once the aliens teach the man-animal how
to learn, they let it do so unsupervised. And of course the first thing it
finds is a recipe for kicking the alien's ass.
9. The aliens do not ask why the man-animals
are capable of smelting the gold ore into nice bars, even though they comment
10. Once you learn advanced math you can
teach the basics to any horde of barbarians in a few nights.
11. If you get bored with the action,
introduce a long tongued lady to spice things up and take care of sticky plot
12. If you are a man-animal, the best way to
show your indignation towards an alien is to shout oooh-ooooh in your best ape
imitation, and jump around the campfire while doing so.
13. Any nuclear device in the world can be
set off if you take the cover off and adjust a few things, especially if you
have no prior experience.
14. Living in a radiation zone might keep
the aliens from visiting, but it does not seem to sterilize the inhabitants or
cause any other problems, even though they think it might not be good for them
in the long run.
15. Whenever you get ready to kick alien
ass, cut your hair.